It was jagged inside her. “I’m not a thing. To have.”
”No. Jesus. Of course you’re not. But you know what I mean.”
She did. And he was right. They couldn’t do this to him. She couldn’t do it to herself anyway. But how it made a disaster of her chest and her mouth and her head.
”I wish you could be kissed, Jane,” he said. “Because I would beg just one off you. Under all this.” He flailed an arm toward the stars. “And then we’d never say anything about it again.”
That could have been the end of it.
I want something more.
She said, “We can pretend. Just once. And then we’ll never say anything about it again.”
What a strange shifting person he was. The Gansey who turned to her now was a world away from the lofty boy she’d first met. Without any hesitation, she stretched her arms around his neck. Who was this Blue? She felt bigger than her body. High as the stars. He leaned toward her - her heart spun again - and pressed his cheek against hers. His lips didn’t touch her skin, but she felt his breath, hot and uneven, on her face. His fingers splayed on either side of her spine. Her lips were so close to his jaw that she felt his hint of stubble at the end of them. It was mint and memories and the past and the future and she felt as if she’d done this before and already she longed to do it again.
Oh, help, she thought. Help, help, help.
He pulled away. He said, “And now we never speak of it again.”
God this scene. I am not always particularly passionate about Blue and Gansey, but this scene pulls at my heart.
The longing here, the desperation for something, just a taste, more, more is incredibly palpable, and I find myself just as desperate as they are for that non-kiss to slip into something more.
Times are hard in the no man’s land that is Blue’s physical romantic life, and this scene lays that fact achingly bare. Completely romantic in a bittersweet, nerve-wrackng sort of way.